Adult Jokes.

You've Sliced It

Two women were playing golf one when one skewed a shot that hit a man who had been watching them. Grasping his hands at his groin he fell, rolling around in agony.  Horrified, the two women ran to help.
'I'm so sorry are you okay?'
'Ah, ah, ahgghhh,' was all he could reply.
The two women waited for a minute or so, but he seemed unable to speak or climb to his feet. Eventually, one of the women decided to take charge.
'Please, let me help you with this. I'm a professional physio and I can ease your pain, is it okay for me to try?'
Although the man couldn't answer, he nodded his head in approval.
She carefully pulled down his shorts, put her hand inside his underwear and began to gently massage the entire area between his legs.
After a couple of minutes she asked.'How does that feel.'
'Marvelous, he replied, but my thumb still hurts, I think you've broken it."

It's Never Easy.

During weekly visits to the supermarket a man becomes hugely attracted to one of the check out girls. Eventually, he makes her an offer.
"Come to my apartment for sex and I'll give you £1,000."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'll simply throw the money on the floor, it will be all over by the time you've picked it up."
She and her boyfriend are saving to be married, so she calls him.
"Tell him to make it £2,000, pick it up real quickly and he'll barely have time to take his clothes off."
It's arranged for 8 o'clock the following evening; at 8-30, her boyfriend calls.
"How did it go?"      
"How IS it going would be more precise! The sly bastard used coins; I'm still picking and he's still fucking."

What else could we do?

A cruise ship sinks and three survivors, Randy, Buck and Lola make their way to a desert island. With plenty to eat and drink, they make their own naked entertainment.  However, years of lustful sex takes its toll, depressed and racked with guilt Lola takes her life.
As awful as her suicide was, Randy and Buck struggle on. However, after a year or so, Randy and Buck begin to feel guilty about what they are doing. So, they do the decent thing and bury Lola.

Said the Bishop to the actress

A priest of a small community was somewhat disappointed during a weekly call  to his Bishop.
'I can't believe that one of my parishioners would steal my bicycle, especially as it was my only form of transport.'
'Don't worry it can't be far, and there is a way to find it, said the Bishop.
'There is?'
'Yes, make a point including the Ten Commandments into your next service. When you reach number 8, Thou shalt not steal, take a long look at the congregation, the guilty face will lead you to your bicycle.
The following week the Bishop was keen to know if his plan had worked.
'Yes, it did in a roundabout way,' the priest told him.
'I don't understand, what do you mean roundabout way?'  
Well, when I reached number 7, Thou shalt not commit adultery, I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.' 

New Joke Jan 26th. Naughty Cartoons.

This week I thought I would show my appreciation for naughty cartoons.

New Joke Jan 6th. Bus Exposure

I was on the bus today and woman started breastfeeding. About three or four minutes later an elderly lady stood up and started screaming at the top of her voice.

"Stop that! That's disgraceful!

Looking back-I suppose  I should have waited until I got home, before I started masturbating.

 

New Joke December 22nd-Big Mouth

The office loudmouth, trying to make fun of one of his colleagues says.

'You have quite a big stomach there-can you see your cock when you're naked and look down?

'No-I can't to be honest-your wife's head is usually in the way.'

New Joke December 12th. Everyone Likes A Quickie

This week I thought I would pay tribute to the Quickie.

1- "Mummy, why are you white and I'm black?" A little boy asked his mother: 

 "Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party mmhm..., you are lucky that you don’t bark."

2-
Wife and husband bought condoms with different flavors.

"Darling, I will put one on and turn off the light, then you have to guess the flavor."

  She takes it in the mouth and yells: "Gorgonzola." 
 
"Wait!!, it is not on yet.

3-A man in a pub boasted he could tell the exact date a woman was born; simply by feeling her breasts.

"I don't believe that-prove it," said a skeptical lady and she raised her jumper.

After giving her breasts a thorough groping he said-"Yesterday-Without any doubt whatsoever."

 


New Joke December 4th. Magic, Before Your Eyes.

 An Amish father and son visited a large city for the very first time. They were fascinated by its technology, especially the wall that opened and closed.
"What is that Father?"
Having not previously seen an elevator, he replied. "I have never seen anything like this?"
They were mesmerized when an old lady in a wheel chair arrived and pressed a button. Apparently opening by magic, they watched as the old lady entered a small room and the wall closed behind her. Almost at once lights began flashing-after a minute or so the flashing stopped and the door opened. The two were flabbergasted when a highly desirable young woman stepped out.
"Son-Quick! Go get your mother and grandma."

 



 New Joke November 25th.   Christmas Party Etiquette 

 

It was the morning after the office Christmas party and Frank was thinking his confused head was about to explode. He had a history of foolish behavior and something was telling him that the evening had been a disaster. He went downstairs praying he was wrong, but his wife confirmed his thoughts. Although she never said a word, the way she was staring and shaking her head spelt disaster.

"Honey-it wasn’t that bad was it?”

"It was, you did it again. People were leaving early because of you; you insulted almost every member of the board, and swore directly into the president’s face.”

"He must have deserved it, piss on him," said Frank, desperately trying to justify his actions.

"You did, that’s when he fired you."

"What! Oh fuck him!” He exclaimed, feeling all was lost.

"I did. You start back on Monday.”

“Honey!-Did I ever tell you I love you!”

 
 New Joke November 14th.

Feed by Hand.

Man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $3.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $5.50.
Hand Job: - $12.00.

After checking his wallet he approaches the bar and beckons one of three exceptionally, attractive blondes, who are serving drinks to a drooling bunch of men.

"Yes?" She inquires with a sexy smile. "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", he whispers."Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

He quickly replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" 

 


 New Joke 6th November 

Outrage in Court.

 
A man was appearing in court on a double murder charge, and the judge said, "You are accused of raping then beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You bastard!"

The judge glared and continued, "You are further accused of raping then beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, a voice from the back of the courtroom yelled out. "You despicable bastard!"

The judge stopped proceedings and addressed a man at the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can quite understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but if you make any further outbursts I shall charge you with contempt of court! I hope there will be no more problems."

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "I'm really sorry, but I have lived next door to that bastard for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"




 Added 27th October-Sex and the Church.

Three couples- elderly-middle-aged and young newly-weds wanted to join a church group.
The priest said " We have special requirements for all new members; to prove your determination, you must refrain from having sex for four weeks." 
The couples agreed & came back at the end of the fourth week.
The priest asked the elderly couple- "Were you able to abstain from sex for four weeks?"
 The old man replied, "Yes, and without problem."
"Congratulations, welcome to the group." said the priest.
The middle-aged couple were asked the same question- The man replied.- "The first week was easy, the second not too bad, halfway through the third week I began sleeping in the spare room, but yes, we made it." 
"You have shown excellent resolve; we are more than pleased to accept you," said the smiling priest.
  "Now my dears, I do hope you will be the third new couple to join our group this evening," the priest said. "Father, we are so sorry to say that we failed," the disappointed young man replied.
 "Would you care to say why you succumbed?" the priest inquired.
" It was during the very first day; a little honey was needed for the final ingredient of a dinner I was preparing. When my wife reached to the top shelf it exposed the tops of her legs, and she was wearing stockings and suspenders. I was overcome with lust and forced her to the floor."
 "Although I'm sorry to hear of your weakness, do you understand you will not allowed into our group?" the priest asked shaking his head. 
 "We do indeed," said the young man. "We're no longer allowed in the supermarket either."


 Added 19th Oct. We are back in the pharmacist for this weeks joke, which is only a short one.

A 97 year old man goes into a chemist shop and asks for 12 Viagra tablets; he then asks for each one be cut into  into 4 pieces.

The pharmacist is somewhat surprised, but happily obliges. "Of course sir, though I must tell you that a quarter of a tablet will hardly be enough to give you an erection."

The old man looked at him and smiled. "Young man I am 97, I have no requirements for an erection; I just want it to reach a little further so I don't keep pissing on my slippers."

Added Oct 11th.

Henry's health had been deteriorating for months, and he knew that he was dying.  Looking up at his wife who was sitting by his bedside, he just managed to say in a very weak voice.
 'Ivy, you have been such a loyal and trusting wife; I think its only fair that I confess to the wrongs I have done you.
'There's no need to do that Henry, really,' she replied.
  'No, I insist, it will allow me to die with a clear conscience, and you deserve to know the truth.'
  'As you wish, but it's really not necessary.'.
 'Honey, I slept with both your sister and your best friend many times.Then there was our old neighbor Jesse and the schoolteacher as well as...' 
 'Please don't say anymore,' she interrupted looking wide eyed in disbelief, before adding. 'Discovering that is such a shock at a time like this; I had no idea about the schoolteacher, only the others, but never mind, you rest now, it will help the poison work a little quicker.

 A little humor to reveal that, rational thought quickly goes out of the window when the subject matter becomess personal.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local pharmacy. She walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes grew bigger as he explained. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Not only is it against the law-I would lose my license before they threw us both in jail. So no, absolutely not, you CAN-NOT have any cyanide."

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, his cock was deep inside her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture, nodded, and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Dogging, what is it, what happens?

Dogging, what is it, what happens?

Originating in Britain, dogging has spread to all corners of the world. Dogging is sexual activity that takes place between consenting adults in chosen secluded outdoor areas. Out of town car parks and grassy woodland, accessible only from side roads, are popular venues. Its origins began with a form of voyeurism. Concealed by natural surroundings, spying on couples making love was classed as excellent masturbation matter. Such voyeurs became known as Doggers; seemingly there at every turn, someone you can’t elude is said to be dogging you.

The arrival of the internet made it far easier to arrange no strings, anonymous, casual sex. Naturally, Dogging spots became perfect for a discreet rendezvous. However, the next group who came along had no wish to conceal their sexual capers under a cloak of secrecy. They actually found the idea of being watched to be a huge turn on. Internet connection also brought about great changes to the Swinging Scene. With excellent communication adding greater numbers, they brought explicit sex to the great outdoors.

Initially, Swingers had no idea that such a large number of voyeurs existed in these locations. They considered them part of a new exciting experience; so much so, the two groups quickly came together. Voyeurs no longer hide in a camouflaged background, hoping their heavy breathing doesn't give them away. Modern dogging wouldn't exist without them. Having become essential to the action, they arrive with erections exposed and without formality to exchange gropes, sucks and much more.

When Doggers find a suitable venue, away from the non-dogging community, they do all in their power to retain it. It means adhering to strict rules of conduct. Avoid any sort of public order offence, basically, anything that would cause police presence. Most acts carried out during an evening of dogging is legally judged indecent. However, Police will not intervene unless given reason to; they only prosecute when behaviour warrants it. Common sense is the key.

Although afternoon action can be found, the vast majority of Dogging takes place in the evening, at spots that have become successful, especially at weekends. So, if you discover a venue and are feeling horny, what can you expect? A willing female, outnumbered by seven or eight males is guaranteed on a busy night. Being close witness, to fucking, sucking, fingering and groping, is the only male guarantee. However, active involvement is highly likely, and males should never arrive without condoms.

Arriving at the venue cars will park spaciously; which not only enables participants to weigh up the scene, it also ensures easy access to those containing females. There is no announcement or klaxon to signal that proceedings are underway. Females are almost always accompanied by males, and the action will begin when they start making out. It is not long before lust takes over and the cars windows/doors or both begin to open. This indicates, to those present, that they are now receiving guests. Males, erection in hand, will appear as if by magic at this point and approach the cars. Males, who brought female partners along, may feel that their job is done and place their women, literally, into the hands of the doggers. They may then watch or become part of the queue at another car; whatever they decide, they are certain to have plenty to talk about later.

It does not become a mad grab with things getting out of hand; there is certain etiquette that knowledgeable doggers adhere to. They treat the queue line to the car exactly as they would any other, definitely not trying to jump it. Those at the front will be the ones who indulge in the first hardcore action of the event. Usually, at an open car doorway there will be enough space for three standing males. The woman's clothes will have been loosened by her partner, but not removed. That makes it easy for the three of them to reach down, grope her breasts and raise her skirt. She will almost certainly be wearing sexy underwear, such as stockings and suspenders. Those in line behind will slowly masturbate while waiting their turn. Meanwhile, at the head of the queue, she will be quite adept at reciprocating the gropes. Skilfully moving three cocks between hands and mouth can quickly whittle down a queue. Most of the Dogging women, because of STD, will not allow sperm in their mouth, but they do enjoy it being sprayed over their bodies.

These women are truly appreciated by male doggers, who are well aware that they indulge purely for pleasure; they are not prostitutes who charge. At the end of an evening, most women will receive a round of applause. This does not mean that the women are not appreciative; where else could they experience the pleasure of so many cocks in one night? In car parks, when a women remains in a car it means that she is extracting enough pleasure from being groped and tending to cocks. However, when a woman steps outside, it means that she wants to be fucked, which at Dogging events, means nothing less than being gang banged. Such fucking is almost always pre-planned by the women and their partners. If a woman decides that she wants a random fuck, she will simply invite one of the men into the car. It is hoped that the anticipation and arousal from being fingered and groped will be enough to prepare her for such a prolonged fuck.

Julie, an experienced dogger revealed: “Once I am ready I will blatantly lay face down on the bonnet of the car.” It signals that she is ready to take on all comers; wearing a condom is the only requirement. “The first male to approach will have the honour of raising my skirt and completely removing my knickers, my husband loves watching that. I will be fucked in that same position, without seeing a face, by every male who cares to step forward.” No one is turned away, which means that as many as twenty cocks may pound her. Tumultuous applause, all aimed at the female, always follows such acts of endurance.

Typical scenes during Dogging events.

 This article has referred to Dogging in car parks; Dogging in woodland areas, which I will discuss later, has a procedure that is only slightly different.

Erotic Author Alice Slack Makes it Big.

I recently had the great pleasure of interviewing best selling erotic sex author Alice Slack. Alice has a split personality and she couldn’t decide if she wanted to talk about it, so I concentrated on her love of cock in dimly lit districts.-This is an unedited transcript.

Hi Alice, I can't express my delight at having you here.

Hi Roysie my pleasure. I simply love your blog, it’s so nostalgic, reminds me of the back alleyway where I gave, Big Buck Butcher, my first blow job.

Why thanks Alice; that must have been a most memorable occasion.

It sure was, it taught me a lot about safe sex.

Really? Was Buck kind enough to give you good advice that day?

No, he didn’t say much that was comprehensible; I’d inadvertently knelt down into a huge pile of dog-shit. Being so naive, I simply thought sperm must smell that way. I have made a point of checking my outdoor love making arenas for such anti-aphrodisiacs ever since.

It’s safe to say that the experience never halted your passion for back alleys, reading your books, almost of your orgasms take place inside them; do alleyways excite you?

No not really sweet puddings; I accept cock at most locations. Dark places merely mean that I don’t have to spend time on looking glamorous, applying make up etc, I use my saved time to write and research new cock activity. You might find this hard to believe, but I don’t always look this beautiful.

Wow! I would never have guessed that you were wearing make up. (She had arrived a little tipsy so I don’t think she saw me blush?)

You learn something every day sweetie meat; regardless, I always need fresh content for my book, so I simply nip out and collect it, back alleyways are my convenience store.

Good Grief! How much do you pay these men?

What me pay! Are you mad tight nuts! I don’t think you understand what I'm saying here, Do I have to explain, very slowly?

(She must have seen me blush that time. She appeared angry so I tactically shuffled in my seat, smiled and allowed her to carry on.

Attracting a man is the simplest thing in the world, even when they are walking by a dark alleyway, a seductive call of ‘Hey you wanna fuck?’ does the trick every time.

Really Alice? Do you think that would work for me?

Possibly Roysie, but only if you ask the right men.

Oh I er see. (Her reply confused me so I quickly nodded in agreement.)

Men like it simple, they respond to groping in the dark; a handful of tits and a pair of open legs are all they require. It complicates things when they catch a glimpse of my face; I’ve missed out on so many erections that way.

Gosh! I find it hard to believe that you look hideous without make-up.

Hold on limp dick! I’m not suggesting that at all.

My apologies Alice; I didn’t intend any er...? I think I’m a little in awe of your presence, please, do go on.

Okay! Okay, forget it, let’s get this over with, it’ll be dark soon. I will clarify. Occasionally, our passion will reach the ears of passing patrolmen who then shine the torch into the alleyway and light up our faces.

Good Grief! You must find it very scary when that happens?

I don’t, but boy you should see the look of horror on the faces of those men before they run. My theory, which I revealed to one officer, explains that my natural face must resemble someone close to them, and it brings on a guilt trip. I thought he was listening sympathetically, and was about to make his dick harder than his truncheon, but he had to spoil it all by turning sarcastic.

I’m sorry and surprised to hear that Alice, do you mind telling what he said?

Sure Roysie I don’t mind, especially as his words only go to show what a dumb ass he is.

In your own time Alice. (I could sense pain in her anger.)

He just dismissed my theory saying, ‘Guilt trip? I don’t know how far one of those trips would take him, but when he caught a glimpse of your mug-shot he began it without hanging around for transport. He was travelling so fast he’s probably met up with those back to the future characters.

(After hearing such cruelty I was lost for words, so I just gave her a warm smile.)

Then his torch went out and he blamed my face for running the batteries down.

(I was so sympathetic and felt that that she deserved a much larger warm smile.)

Are you grinning at me shrivelled dick?

No, no, I’m just amazed that policeman a policeman could be so disrespectful, especially when you were carrying out such essential research.

Why thank you Roysie, I only wish you were the patrolman in my alleyway network.

Well if I was Alice, you could be certain that I wouldn’t shine my torch on your face.

 I’m sure you wouldn’t sweetmeat, you are far too considerate, and if ever you are passing my network pop in and earn a passage in one of my books.

I would love to, just as long as it’s not the alleyway with all that dog-shit in ha ha. (I thought I had made a light amusing remark.)

 Are you trying to be funny? I told you that dog-shit was a long time ago, and I only tend cock in pleasant surrounds. You’re just as bad as that clueless shrimp dicked cop, goodbye pickled balls I won’t be calling again   

 Thanks for the visit Alice, it has been so nice having you here...

Unfortunately she had left before saying that the new book in her Alleyway series - ‘Gagging Over Wheelie Bins.’ is already in the best sellers list, and Alice is currently researching her new title ‘Dicks in the Darkness.’ 

Below sees a regular tour taking fans along the very alleyway that inspired Alice's blockbuster hit- 'Penetrated in the Passage of Passion.'