Unsociable People. (Public Transport)

I have just arrived back home from Crown Court. They liked me so much they they have asked me to return to receive a sentence. It must be one of those writer things.

Anyway, the reason I was invited to Crown Court was down to an extremely unsociable young lady. Heading into town on the bus, I  had found myself standing and holding onto a support bar, directly next to where the said young lady was seated. Now, I had no qualms about standing, sometimes, there is no alternative. However, on this particular journey, whenever the bus turned, which was quite often, motion took me forward. This outcome resulted in my crotch, accidentally, pushing into her face.

After it occurred six or seven times, there was a misunderstanding, which resulted in her pressing the bell and demanding the driver call the police. Due to her unsociable attitude, she claimed I had sexually harassed her. The police duly arrived, and to my astonishment, they took her side, arrested me and suggested I call a lawyer. I contacted a law firm who specialize in such incidents. After I provided a detailed description of the misunderstanding, my defence counsel had every sympathy. In fact, his very words were. "You would have gotten away with it if there had not been fifteen empty seats."

Organ Donors: The Priceless Crew.

Most people pass by hospitals without giving them a second thought; unless of course, your life is currently connected to one. Nowadays, large town and city hospitals are huge communities, almost towns in their own right. Very few will go through life without becoming a part of such a community. This is a little peek inside.

What would we do without You?

Inside a hospital theatre a doctor is furiously pumping a patient’s heart as the matron anxiously looks on. Eventually the doctor stops and shakes his head.

“I’m afraid that’s it; we can’t do anymore. “

Matron appears to be shocked and surprised. “But doctor, don’t you think you should try the resuscitation a while longer, and give him an I.C.I. injection?”

The doctor seems very reluctant. “Yes I agree, but it’s the nurse’s staff party tonight and I have so been looking forward to it.

Matron is totally aghast.”The nurses can manage very well without you, but this patient can’t and needs you.”

The doctor sighs. “You don't understand; it's the only night of the year that I can see nurses out of their uniforms. They will be dressed as civilians, wearing ordinary clothes; do you know what that does to a red blooded medic?”

Matron’s face is about to explode when a nurse rushes in.

“I have the patients papers here doctor.”

While reading them his expression becomes one of total horror. “Oh my God! Quickly matron, prepare the I.C.I. injection, nurse don’t you dare go anywhere, you are needed here.”

Matron is happily amazed by his sudden change of attitude. “I’m so glad you have finally come to your senses doctor.”

Doctor resumes pumping; he appears determined to start the patient’s heart, not looking up when he says. “I have just read his notes; he’s an Organ donor. If he dies I can kiss the party goodbye; I will be here all night carefully removing them.”

Matron is once again left speechless; then much to their relief, the patient begins to cough and splutter.

Suddenly a voice bellows; “Cue the slogan.”

The camera zooms in on a slogan. “ORGAN DONORS-WE ARE fucked WITHOUT YOU.”

Who Can You Trust?

Can sex cause people to say and do things that are completely out of character? The following, which had to contain under 200 words, is a small example of what I mean.

The door swung open; his sister had returned. “Its confirmed John, they booked the flight over a week ago, such bastards."

“I’m glad they've gone far away sis; what could we say to them?”

“What sort of bastards are you for starters.”

“I don’t feel any anger, just a numbness.”

“I have anger, lots and lots of it."

“Keeping her company while I worked late; I thought he was doing me a favour; I thought I was putting him out. I was so naive.”

“Such a fucking mess John, what a scheming bitch.”

“I should have known it was too good to be true; why would a girl like her want me?”

“What! She is not fit to crawl in your shit; she doesn’t deserve to be on the same planet as you.” 

“Not so loud sis, mum will hear.”

“The doctor gave her a sedative; he said she will sleep for a while.”

“I worshipped her; could I  have done something different?”

“John! Don’t you dare feel any guilt; everything took place behind your back.”

“What was it dad used to say: ‘Always expect the unexpected.’ 

“He often said that; I just wish he was here now; and not on an aeroplane with your fucking girlfriend”.

Safe Sex. Sex and Fun.

It's absolutely essential that we practice Safe Sex until it is completely mastered. Once we become accomplished, we can attempt advanced safe sex, which includes a lot of nudity. 

When Budgets and Brothels Collide.

During the recent Budget the Chancellor announced: "There will be a rise in the cost of alcohol." This was by no means a surprise; paying extra for pleasure has become inevitable. However, alcohol comes in many different guises, and the Exchequer had to reveal each particular increase of -Wine-Spirits-Liqueur Beer and-Cider. Those rises are then relayed on tv and radio throughout the day.

The preciseness of those price changes turned my thoughts to future budgets. The issue of 'Legalizing Brothels' has been raised many times, consequently, history and a mass of publicity awaits the first to open its doors. As more and more open, the media will lose interest and brothels will become part of everyday life. The likelihood is that these establishments will become extremely prosperous. In doing so, they will receive long hard looks from officialdom, desperate for extra revenue.

It's here we should realize that sex, similar to alcohol, is very diverse and customers will buy from an extensive menu. An individuals pleasure will depend on their outlay of money. Stopping for a quick one on the way home will take on a whole new meaning. The daily  special will probably be advertised on blackboards outside premises. Competition will dictate that a number of brothel activities are made affordable. Therefore, budget announcements will become highly entertaining media events.

Orgasmic moans from the opposition bench  as the Chancellor announces a £1 increase on all sperm swallowed blow jobs. Once the groans subside, there will probably be a sweetener. 'We the government are aware of low income hardship, and for that reason, the price of a basic hand-job will remain firm.' Party members will be instructed to yell their delight, hoping to soften the blow of the next punishing delivery. 'Due to the incompetence of the previous government, I have found it necessary to increase all extreme gang bangs by £5 a head.'

At this point, cameras will move outside to hear the opinion of a brothel owners. 'Gang-bangs are the popular choice of brides to be-they enjoy a final fling. As brides don’t pay a penny-the increased charge will fall on the stag party she is handed to. Gang bang numbers will be reduced, which means less revenue and fewer cocks for the poor bride.'

Back at the newsroom, Government MPs. will be grilled. 'Why have blow jobs risen above the rate of inflation? Will this extra cost lead to people staying home with a cheap blue movie from the supermarket? Is it true that all council run Glory Holes are about to be swallowed up by the private sector? Why has the Government turned its back on granting permission for 'Anal Only' brothels?

Such legislation will really brighten up political debate: Purely for research, I'll call in at a brothel myself; if it's not too taxing.